And The Winner Is...

 

Examining the past can be a useful, if not frustrating, tool.  I often examine the past, I seldom learn from it.  So how can I change this?  It’s obvious to me that if I am to change anything a simple observation of past failures or successes is not enough.  It never is.  Real change comes from a desire deep inside that speaks to genuine motivation. 

For me, my motivation inside of climbing and towards climbing has mostly been from a competitive, egocentric angle.  I usually want to be ‘better’ than someone else; usually that someone else is a friend.  This sheds a curious light on relationships and the role they play in personal progression.  However, this past year has been transformative for me.  The combative approach I usually take when deciding what to climb and how hard to climb is starting to get old.  I’m tired of feeling nervous on hard routes, racing to get a route done before someone else does, or feeling jealous or envious of my friends when they succeed or elated and confirmed when they fail.  I think my mind state has changed this past year after being exposed to so many different kinds of climbers, climbing philosophies, crags, experiences, failures, and breakthroughs.  Working on this mind state is very difficult.  I’m not sure when or where or even how (although I could swing a pretty good guess at all of those) this attitude evolved in my life but I’ve always wanted attention.  I’m not alone in this either, David Foster Wallace put's it nicely:

"We rarely talk about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness, because it's so socially repulsive, but it's pretty much the same for all of us, deep down. It is our default-setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: There is no experience you've had that you were not at the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is right there in front of you, or behind you, to the left or right of you, on your TV, or your monitor, or whatever. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real -- you get the idea."



It feels good to get positive attention and praise.  To feel everyone’s adoring eyes on you, lifting you up above the mortal accomplishments of others, you feel just that, like a god.  We all want to feel special, to ‘rule the world’ so to speak and have our Sharma/Ondra moments extend into eternity.  The social constructs of the immediate relationships in our lives are built on a very delicate foundation, the lynch pin of which is a balancing act between humility and selfishness.  I want to be humble in the presence of other’s successes and praise them and encourage them to progress out of a genuine desire to see the people I love in my life succeed and ultimately be happy; on the flipside I can’t do this all the time if I’m constantly failing at the goals in my own life.  Success is the conch shell of our dystopian adolescent island.  But, success can look like so many different things to so many different people; not just beauty then, but success also lies in the eye of the beholder. 

"Because here's something else that's true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of God or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it J.C. or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things -- if they are where you tap real meaning in life -- then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already -- it's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power -- you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart -- you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on." - David Foster Wallace

For me, lately, success comes in the form of catching myself when I start to compare my shortcomings against others accomplishments.  It’s not only refreshing to transmogrify my outlook but freeing as well.  A reminder that I do want my friends to succeed even when I’m not, takes shape in the form of recognizing when I start to feel awful, depressed, anxious, and alone.  I’m not any of those things in reality, so why project them on to others?  Instead I look at what they have done and say, ‘I can do that too, and will.’  Not from a competitive aspect, which can lead to a spurious and stale way of thinking about motivation and progression; but instead in a way that fosters both intelligent confidence and encouragement between and amongst my peers.   

Yesterday was yet another glorious day.  Another reminder that we exist in a microcosm of microcosms; enigmas and ubiquitous experience that unfold for everyone and no one.  When time yields to the fluctuating energy of the wind, and the darkness, to breathe, to the dilating cosmos, rock, and water. 

I could only see the fading shadow, the outline of a friend reaching the apex of eight years of contemplation, frustration, condemnation, and finally elation.  Erich Sachs sent Porn Star yesterday, a feat that can be objectified, but hardly captured by numbers or even words.