Fairweather Friends
"fear of falling, fear of failure, tunnel vision, attachment to a specific outcome, impatience, lack of focus or awareness, poor breathing or eye control, poor technique, being unable to shift your climbing “gears,” “thinking down,” and climbing for the wrong reasons"
Above is a quote from Andrew Bisharats' blog evening sends the piece this is from was written by Chris Barlows. This quote stuck out to me for a couple of reasons but namely because I never really focus in on what my problems are. I always try to emulate an image of togetherness and confidence which feels so key in being successful as a climber, especially a climber who wants to try progressively harder and harder climbs. The downfall of this strategy is rejecting what you’re truly feeling at the moment in order to maintain this image, and trying to push through all of the ‘problems’ stated above; instead of sitting with them and trying to understand them.
I became completely engulfed in my problems and at one point it was as if I was encircled by them stumbling blindly from one problem to the next receiving a knee to the groin, a slap in the face, a kick to the ribs, etc. I was crippled by fear (of falling and failure) which lead to tunnel vision (blocking all other routes out and throwing myself at this one route), which in turn lead to me developing this crazy attachment to a specific outcome (I HAVE to send this route…or?) which then made me impatient (I need to get there now, I’m ready to climb now, I have to send this NOW), this impatience made me extremely unfocused which only got worse as I waited around at the base of the climb running through the sequence trying to convince myself that if I just try harder when I get to the crux it will go, which then made me unaware of other possible avenues of beta and instead I pit bulled down on the way I was doing it. This tunnel vision left me focusing too much on failure and expectation instead of breathing and climbing naturally, and in an attempt to be as calm as possible I was unable to shift climbing gears when I reached the crux, instead becoming so tense each try that I literally gripped my way off the climb. In the end, each time I fell off I became more and more obsessed with climbing this specific grade that I wasn’t climbing the route anymore, I was climbing to prove to everyone else that I was this number, I was this status symbol, I was someone who I thought would impress and amaze other climbers. The last go I’m not even sure I knew why I was climbing the route anymore. It turned into this weird masochistic ritual; I became the punch line of a joke that really wasn’t that funny.
All of this is just a part of my personality which I’m still trying to refine and expand. I have a really, REALLY hard time letting things go. Whether it’s failure on a route, a negative comment from a friend or co-worker, a relationship gone sour, feeling like I was wronged or embarrassed in some way or even just feeling like I let someone down. Have I gotten ‘emo’ enough for everyone??
What does that look like? It looks like Ondra onsighting 5.14c. It looks like someone who is locked in yet free, focused yet playful, efficient yet creative. It looks like meditation; a mind state that allows you to drop all of the judgment, the stress, the points, the fame, and the fear; and just float.
In the end, it comes down to how much you want it, how determined you are to making it happen, and what you are willing to sacrifice to become a more evolved/enlightened human being.
"Yes, climbing is hard. Enumerating why it’s harder for you is wasted effort. If you want to climb it, figure out how to make it happen." - C. Barlows
Above is a quote from Andrew Bisharats' blog evening sends the piece this is from was written by Chris Barlows. This quote stuck out to me for a couple of reasons but namely because I never really focus in on what my problems are. I always try to emulate an image of togetherness and confidence which feels so key in being successful as a climber, especially a climber who wants to try progressively harder and harder climbs. The downfall of this strategy is rejecting what you’re truly feeling at the moment in order to maintain this image, and trying to push through all of the ‘problems’ stated above; instead of sitting with them and trying to understand them.
I became completely engulfed in my problems and at one point it was as if I was encircled by them stumbling blindly from one problem to the next receiving a knee to the groin, a slap in the face, a kick to the ribs, etc. I was crippled by fear (of falling and failure) which lead to tunnel vision (blocking all other routes out and throwing myself at this one route), which in turn lead to me developing this crazy attachment to a specific outcome (I HAVE to send this route…or?) which then made me impatient (I need to get there now, I’m ready to climb now, I have to send this NOW), this impatience made me extremely unfocused which only got worse as I waited around at the base of the climb running through the sequence trying to convince myself that if I just try harder when I get to the crux it will go, which then made me unaware of other possible avenues of beta and instead I pit bulled down on the way I was doing it. This tunnel vision left me focusing too much on failure and expectation instead of breathing and climbing naturally, and in an attempt to be as calm as possible I was unable to shift climbing gears when I reached the crux, instead becoming so tense each try that I literally gripped my way off the climb. In the end, each time I fell off I became more and more obsessed with climbing this specific grade that I wasn’t climbing the route anymore, I was climbing to prove to everyone else that I was this number, I was this status symbol, I was someone who I thought would impress and amaze other climbers. The last go I’m not even sure I knew why I was climbing the route anymore. It turned into this weird masochistic ritual; I became the punch line of a joke that really wasn’t that funny.
All of this is just a part of my personality which I’m still trying to refine and expand. I have a really, REALLY hard time letting things go. Whether it’s failure on a route, a negative comment from a friend or co-worker, a relationship gone sour, feeling like I was wronged or embarrassed in some way or even just feeling like I let someone down. Have I gotten ‘emo’ enough for everyone??
What it really boils down to is the fact that I compare
myself ruthlessly to everyone and anyone.
It’s all about whose better, whose stronger, whose more likeable, whose
more successful, whose better looking, whose richer, who’s more intelligent,
etc. etc. I don’t do this all the time,
at least consciously, but the
noise levels are different for different people at different times in their
lives and for me the noise is always cranked way up on this channel if I’m
wallowing in failure and self-pity.
“Maybe your source of stress isn’t a
fall, but something that it symbolizes–failure, injury, getting fired, being
late. How much of your stress is true? And how much of it can you bypass by
changing your circumstance or mindset?
Imagine that you could remove stress
from your challenge. Imagine that you can remove consequences, that you are
free to practice, to play and create, to explore and discover new possibilities
while you do your work. What does that look like?” This is a quote from my friend Erich Sach’s
blog. What does that look like? It looks like Ondra onsighting 5.14c. It looks like someone who is locked in yet free, focused yet playful, efficient yet creative. It looks like meditation; a mind state that allows you to drop all of the judgment, the stress, the points, the fame, and the fear; and just float.
In the end, it comes down to how much you want it, how determined you are to making it happen, and what you are willing to sacrifice to become a more evolved/enlightened human being.
"Yes, climbing is hard. Enumerating why it’s harder for you is wasted effort. If you want to climb it, figure out how to make it happen." - C. Barlows
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