The Ties That Bind
You must hold on to anyone that wants you, And I will love you through simple and the struggle, but girl you gotta’ understand the modern man must hustle.” Barring the last verse of that stanza I do believe that Slug has hit on some important guidelines to keeping not only a lover but a friendship as well.
A ‘good’ climbing partner doesn’t have to be as ‘good’ as you are and vice versa. What’s really important in a good climbing partner, well, to be quite honest, is how they belay. There is a lot more than that obviously, but the foundation is whether or not you feel comfortable executing hard moves above your gear with your life in their hands. I get freaked out climbing with new people not because I don’t like them but because I haven’t learned to trust them yet when I’m climbing. And I’m sure it goes the other way as well. I have confidence in my belaying skills but until someone takes an unexpected whipper on their project and I give them a nice soft catch the relationship is still in its fledgling phase. So number one would have to be “Solid belaying skills in all disciplines: sport, trad, top roping, multi-pitch etc.” The layers of this rule run deeper than just knowing how to give a good catch or not short roping the shit out of someone on a hard redpoint or onsight. To be a truly good belayer you have to know your climber. I’ve been given hard catches and left with bruised heels, and I have been given aggravatingly soft catches that leave me jugging back up to my last clip for days. It’s really a matter of personal preference and safe tactics. The people that I have climbed with the most I have come to know in a pretty climbing-centric intimate way. I know the signs of when they start to struggle or are struggling with a section of a climb, I know what to look for when they are expecting to clip, and I know when I can loop it out safely and when I need to be attentive and provide some slack management. These are all things that take some time to develop between people but they are also skills that a seasoned climber should be able to call upon when they do climb with someone new.
The second thing I look for in a good climbing partner is their attitude. It’s hard to rank these things in a numerically systematic way because they are all so subjective and equally important. Attitude can really make or break a climbing session or trip, but it’s second to good belaying skills because no one ever died from a bad attitude (at least I hope not). So attitude is second in this post for the safety effect that good belaying holds.
Ideally, I want someone who has a realistically positive attitude and doesn’t default to a negative or whiny affect in the face of bad weather, poor performance, or other uncontrollable circumstances. When I’m flailing on something I want my partner to be honest with me, and tell me what they think I could have done differently but not boss me around and berate me for not using their beta. Suggestions are always good, condemnations are always bad. It’s also nice to have a partner who can maintain their calm when they’re not exactly performing the way they want to perform. And on the contrary, if I’m all butt hurt about not sending it’s good to have a partner who can lighten the mood, make me laugh, or bring me back down to earth, not in a dismissive way (I hate it when people don’t understand why other climbers get emotional about not sending their project or blow it off like it doesn’t matter) but in a supportive and understanding way. I may not be heartbroken or enraged by blowing a move on a 5.13d but someone else might, especially if they have invested time and money into attempting their route, so giving them space and allowing them to vent their frustrations and then recognizing the time to commiserate the closeness of the send and how they will eventually get it is a plus. I still don’t have the perfect formula for how to deal with failure let alone other people’s failure so any suggestions is mightily appreciated.
Third, a good climbing partner knows how to keep you motivated. Staying psyched in climbing is one of the (if not THE) hardest things to maintain. You need to get psyched basically all the time to do anything in climbing. I have to get psyched to train or I won’t train well and then I’ll get all weak and feeble-minded and epic on my project for years; I have to get psyched just to go outside and climb because climbing takes a lot of commitment, time, money, mental investment and focus; I have to get psyched to try hard because climbing is physically demanding and can be dangerous. A good climbing partner will keep you psyched because they are psyched as well and being psyched is infectious. I like to be the catalyst in these situations because I like being psyched myself and I realize how much a complete ass dragger it can be to have someone around who complains about everything, whines about the conditions, refuses to try new routes or areas, gets depressed and moody if they don’t make progress on their project, and is pretty much just unhappy about everything. What’s the point? We’re outside, we’re able to enjoy a beautiful environment doing something that engages the mind and body and overall the soul, there really is no point to being a grump on a climbing trip (yes, even if you are injured!). So if you are one of these people, and don’t feel alone I was like this for a loooong time (and sometimes lapse into it), here’s my advice: build a bridge and GET OVER IT! Your climbing partner/s will thank you.
Fourth, have an emergency stash of beer and cookies at all times. You never know when you are going to a) have to celebrate or b) have to drink and eat the pain away. Be prepared for constant mood swings with sport climbers, we’re a finicky delicate bunch of ego-inflated creatures who scare easy and are prone to passive aggressiveness when faced with awkward social confrontations.
Fifth, a good climbing partner will build you up. The last thing you want to hear when you’re struggling is someone saying to you “Man, you looked pretty weak” or “Dude, you’re super shaky today!” For starters, you probably already know these things if you are as in tune with your body and mind as I like to think I am, so having these feelings validated by a second party that isn’t the voice in your head will only lead to self-doubt and self-loathing. Instead of pointing these things out, I like to ask someone how they are feeling after they warm up or go for a burn on their project. It’s a lot better to hear them put into words what they think is wrong then point it out for them.
Sixth, provide an environment that sustains healthy competition and know when to pull back. I’ve had several climbing relationships run their course due to an incredibly high amount of competition within the relationship and while it never came to blows or bad exchanges it also didn’t culminate in either of us feeling good about what we’ve accomplished (at least on my part). I’m a highly competitive person, but in kind of a bull shit passive way. The best climbing partners or climbing relationships I’ve had have felt positive and energizing, almost rejuvenating in a way. The competition was always there, but it was never allowed to fulminate. Instead it felt as if it was being used as a tool to help both of us reach a level that we didn’t think was possible. A huge ingredient in this was having a high degree of respect for the person I was in this relationship with and feeling that that respect was mutual. When you have respect for another person and they have respect for you, the pissing contest can really just be shelved and you can get down to the real business of pushing yourself in the context of a friendship or partnership. You can also do away with the pettiness that comes with wanting to be superior over another person and instead revel in their success and use them to build upon your own. A healthy climbing partnership in this regard, fosters growth amongst friends and you are able to truly enjoy climbing together while maintaining a killer instinct on the rock.
The foundation of all of this is easy: feel safe with who you’re with, feel comfortable being who you are and know that your partner will call you on your bull shit, be honest with you, lament with you, celebrate with you, laugh with you, motivate you, and catalyze a momentum inside of you that builds upon the journey to success and not just the success itself.
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